Blog Entries That Make The Cut

Out of all the "blog entries" I make only about 5 - 10% of them actually make the cut.

I write or record them & they sit for an "undetermined" amount of time before they ever get posted.  I have 3 written entries & about 6 or 7 videos that will likely NEVER be seen or heard by anyone. Why? Simply out, they do NOT meet my personal standards for a blog entry that I want anyone else to know about.

For months now I have been in a very dark place, many of my entries reflect that & I know it. Most people don't want to know about all the 'crap' that goes on in my life anyway. I just make a blog entry to get it 'out of my system,' as it were. Most (95%) of those you will never see.  The past week or 2 now, there have been some very good changes happening in our home & in our lives, that includes our faith walk.

I just wanted to let you all know that I don't post everything that is entered as a blog entry.

Thanks
Marianne

Year in Review

Good-Bye 2013

This entry is mostly video. If you want me to talk about something more in depth, please let me know. If something confuses you, let me know & I will try to "further muddy the waters" for you. LOL

I will be posting more videos later, but today I need to see about helping Art find & rebuild chainsaws so we can have firewood for the rest of the month. It's been an exceptionally COLD winter here.


http://youtu.be/CX5x1bVu3z8

Please let me know if there is a problem with the link. Thanks

I have more questions then answers on this entry.

It's been minus Oh My Goodness it's cold out there, or is that in here? With a better understanding of what it means when I use the phrase "God's chosen frozen". LOL

Just a reminder here, this is me rambling & getting stuff out rather than talking about any one thing. For those who really care, I am just trying to sort out stuff in my heart & mind. I don't expect anything from any of this or from anyone anymore.

Oh here, just listen to the video & let me know what you think, but please do be nice. There is too much crap being spewed in the world already & all it does is make people's hearts fail. Thanks.

Yes, I changed the settings so you can comment now, however I still moderate the comments.

Also I found an old clip I did back in the summer. How many of you would be interested in that one & more like it, if I can do it?

I'm going to be doing something different

Hi there;

I am going to be doing something a bit different for a while. I am going to be using an "in game" video program, known as Fraps,  that will allow me to do videos from my computer. My webcam doesn't work with this computer. With this winter effecting the arthritis in my hands & back too much for my liking...I thought this would be the best way to go. Thanks for understanding.


If this doesn't work here, I will just post it on my youtube channel.

Tired of Trying

I tried to do something for someone a few months back. In response I get insults, rude remarks & "don't ever talk to me again" statements.

Okay fine, but you being unreasonable like this isn't just effecting you or me. There is someone else it's effecting & you don't even take them into consideration even though they, at least to my knowledge, live in your house.

I was asked to send back stuff that belonged to them & a few other people who lived in the house. So I did. I didn't have money to pay for it on my end after paying over $600 for a shipment of stuff they sent me COD. As a result I had to send their stuff to them the same way, COD. Now I find out that because they had to pay for it, they decided they didn't want the stuff back after all. Talk about you're double standard.

I am getting so tired of trying to do things for other people that I am seriously thinking of stopping helping people who are not my immediate family, or friends who have "stuck it out" with me through thick & thin for most of my adult life.

I am loosing my ability to care about people. Very few people really care about me or care to get to know who I really am anyway, so why should I bother anymore. I am tired of two-faced people who say one thing to me about someone & then when I have both people together & bring it up, I'm the liar!! Way to go!!

I  knew, rather I THOUGHT I knew someone, now I am beginning to seriously wonder if I ever knew them at all. The name they gave me was, Marion Lois Airdrie. When I first met her she told me she had 2 or 3 "sons." She will now totally deny ever having children. She even gave me names for them which I currently cannot remember. She once by the name of Lois Santanagelo or something close to it. SHe claims to be somehow related to a mob family. I believe that about as much as I believe my cat can speak English. I don't care if she is or isn't because most people who I have ever read about who were part of a mob family were always really hush hush about it.

Anyway, Lois, as we have gotten to know her by, Says to me, "I don't like Tara." So I tell Tara that I would like to see here & Lois get along. Tara says  to me, "It's hard to get along with someone who never talks to you." So I figure, lets get these 2 girls talking to each other. Of course this doesn't happen until AFTER I leave Calgary!

Who is Tara? Oh yeah, Tara is Armand aka Pete Fillion's ex-girlfriend, who still live with him in the house HE bought for "them". The way he talked about her he was still very much in love with her. He denies this very much. He often told me, "I am so done with her." I have no idea what he meant by it since they were constantly texting each other & talking to each other.

At any rate, Tara was living with Ryan when I moved in, then They had some kind of thing happen that I am sure is somehow my fault. Everything that went down in that place was somehow my fault & I'm not sure if its all true, none of it is true or what have you.  A while after Tara & Ryan broke up, Tara starts hanging with this guy named Dan. He seems to be a pretty cool guy, in my opinion. Then after a few months Ryan texts Tara & says he misses her etc. so they start hanging out again. This all goes down while Dan is away visiting his kids in another province. Dan comes back & shaggs Tara, the day after that Ryan shags Tara & gets knocked up. "Who's the Daddy?"

Understand me here, I know this sounds like the makings of a fabulous soap opera, but that's not the point here. Point is Tara has an abortion even though she never told Dan she was pregnant. Ok so some people seem to think that okay & I'm not gonna say 1 way or the other.

My point in all this? Yes, my point. Lois & Tara start talking to each other, next thing you know I am the liar from wherever & I am never to be trusted. Before you go judging anyone here, look back over the basic facts. Make your own decision.

After all this suddenly all 3 of these people start to say things about me & I get hurt feelings, so I block the whole lot of them. Then because I sent stuff out for the 3 of them COD now suddenly I am the person who is to be black listed.

Why do I even try anymore? No wonder people turn into hermits & shun society.

Knowing that I am feelings type person, what would you do?

I just quit trying. Some people really are a total waste of time, energy & resources it seems.

Thanks for letting me vent.
I'm outta here.

Caught Up In Daily Life

Sorry it's been so long since my last post.

Life has gotten away on me lately. So much new stuff happening here.
The trailer arrived a while back & now our hands are full getting it ready for the "new additions" that are arriving in the spring. So much to do & to prepare for, both physically & mentally. Life can be a real hoot sometimes.

As you can tell by my tone, I have had some very good & positive things happen in my life since my last entry. Not really I want to get into today, but I'll let you know when the time is right.

I've been playing the game that Art bought for me, along with this computer. :D The game? Oh that is easy, it's called Minecraft. I like the game a lot. You play either online or offline, the choice is yours. Personally I like to play on a server with other people. The social interaction is great & it helps to fill the void of being in the big city. Sometimes all you need is another person to talk to. I use to just do mining, but now I am building & some of my projects can get pretty big. LOL

One day real soon I'll post some pictures of the things I've built. Who knows maybe one day I'll even start posting some of the videos on here of me doing an actual build.

Anyways, That's all for right now. Maybe I'll have something else to say later this weekend.

I had to say something. It was time.

I have been off the blog for nearly what, a week now? Sorry about that I have been helping someone very close to my heart deal with a situation that is larger than life, for them. I do help people I care about & who have proved to me that the trust I have in our friendship is real & solid.

But that's got nothing to do with the title & reason for today's blog entry.

When we are young we hear about how the grandparents health is failing, as we age, leave home & make our own lives we hear about our buddies & friends health troubles. Then one day it happens, we hear about our parents health issues & begin to cherish every moment we get with them. If you have never liked your parents, change that right now today. Contrary to popular belief, parents do NOT live forever.

You take their news & health issues & put it on the pile or in the box with everyone else's, including your own. Even more time passes & you have had the different doctors & specialists tell you different things about your own health, but choose not to tell anyone who doesn't need know or who's life it would only make worse or add stress to.

This past Monday I was an immediate family gathering. Hubby couldn't make it because it was last minute & had other plans in the works that could not be changed, 1 niece was unwell, so it was very small indeed. It was also very good.

Over the course of the days since then, I have had a chance to talk with my parents, over email mostly & not at all the way I wanted to do it. I told them repeatedly that I "understand what the doctor is telling you. Go fishing, or something fun."

It suddenly dawned on me that I had never told them why I had been so very understanding on these things since my mid 30's. When suddenly a conversation I heard a few years before came back to my mind. "If you don't tell people what you & what's going on they can't help you. Can they?" I was asked, rather rhetorically I thought at the time. "I guess not, eh." Was all I said. Then last night via a series of emails with my parents I explained for the first time in  way too long, how it was possible for their 50 year old daughter to understand all these things they were going through.

I told them, "well, you remember a few years back I told you I was a survivor too?" Mom, "Yep" Dad nodded silently. (it's normal for him to do that when he is listening.) "There is something though that you need to know. I don't think the timing is right, but I feel like I don't have a choice anymore, I have to tell you o you understand why I do what I do."

Email comes back from mom basically saying, "okay we're listening." As many of you may or may not know, I have been passenger in over 20 car accidents. I had 2 when I was driving. It took me 10 years to feel good enough about my driving to redo my written & road test. No it wasn't a court thing, just a personal choice. Driving is a privilege, not a write of passage. I had to remember that & teach myself not to forget that.

SO needless to say I have multiple whiplash injuries, I have mild scoliosis in my back along with degenerative disk disease, fibromyalgia, chronic depression, deficiency of both vitamin B12 & D. I need to take 50,000 units of Vitamin D every week & go for a shot once every 3 months with the B12. So far nothing to shocking right. If your hard on your body, your body will repay you when you get older, trust me. lol

Then somewhere along the line we started to talk about stress levels & how stress can kill people &how abusive people add stress to people who aren't suppose to have any, yada yada yada. Then it hit me. They had no idea why I left so fast the day after thanksgiving. They had no clue why I kept going for walks throughout the night. I had to tell them, it was time.

When I was somewhere between the ages of 35 &37 the doctor told me on no uncertain terms, "Marianne you MUST get rid of 100% of your stress or it will kill. at the very least it will put you under my scalpel & I don't want to do a double, possibly triple by-pass on you at this age, or any age. Please find a way to let the stress go, you're life depends on it." It took a long while for them to reply to that email. I know they were not prepared for it. I had to let them know that I couldn't handle stress anymore either.

These days I do my best to deal with stress by crawling into fantasy games where I get to build things & help other people. It makes me feel good just to do something for someone I may never meet other than on a game. I draw, I paint, not well but I try LOL. I like to sew, I like to go for walks. I like cuddling my cats. Listening to them purr is one of the most relaxing sounds ever. Well, next to the few times I have fallen asleep hearing, what sounds to me like, angels singing.  Now that hasn't happened in a very long time, but I'll tell you this, It is one of the most amazing sounds I have ever heard. No I am not going to discuss my faith/religious views with yo. That's not my point in this. The point is the level of stress I was starting to carry was getting into a "red zone" with me.  Even Art started to wonder if he was going to have to take me into the hospital.

Oh I'm sure he will have to one day, but we'll deal with that if & when it happens. I don't need to borrow anymore trouble from tomorrow, next week is already trying to do that for me. Thanks but, no thanks LOL
I have had a really faint heart murmur for more than 20 years now & haven't felt the need to tell anyone. So why now? Heck of a good question if you ask me. I'm still not sure. All I can tell you is that it needed to be done now.

You know, if you ever took a look at me & watched some of the stuff I do around here, you'd think to yourself, "there is nothing wrong with this woman, what are people making such a fuss about??" well, I am "very very" careful how I do what I do. I know that if I let go of even a small tree branch the wrong way & it lands on my foot just right I can & do have a nice tender spot on my right foot. He can't do everything himself you know. What's the point in having a help mate if they can't help you sometimes?

I hate the word "disabled" & yet that is exactly what the label is the doctors have given me. They say, "Marianne, you're disable because..... you can't sit too long or you seize up, you can't stand to long or your back, hips & arches hurt from the strain & the pressure on your disks. You need new stronger glasses because your sight is going, you really shouldn't be driving with those glasses on, the glare is blinding you. you can't squat to pick something up off the bottom rack in the fridge because your hips lock & so does your back & then you can't move. Therefore you cannot hold an office job." I hear that for too long & start to think, "you know I was brought up where everything you are telling me goes against me at the core of my being. I do not want to be a drain on anyone & using up resources that clearly belong to that guy over there. while pointing in the "general direction" of a man in a wheelchair with a feeding tube. That's disabled! I can't be disabled! It's impossible. I have to still have use!! What do you mean I can't work?? I have worked my whole life, I don't know anything else. I have to "earn my keep" & you are telling me I am disabled?? I can't handle that thought one bit.

So here's what I have to face in challenges next; re-apply for CPP Disability, re-apply for MB Disability Assistance & pray that I will actually get some money coming in soon. Art is close to his Unemployment benefits running out, soo yeah. You get the picture. Winter is nearly upon us here in Canada. We've already started lighting the "small fires" in the fireplace to heat the house.  On the up side, we are starting to be able to pick up "some" of my meds a bit more regularly. Even at $128/ month, it's just too expensive sometimes to get them all.

I was going to do a video entry this time, but felt this might help me keep my thoughts together better. I have about 4 videos that need to be edited & put together into something worth looking at & is understandable. LOL

Keeping all this inside is bad stress. I had to say something.

Marianne, signing off.
Till we chat again remember to stress less, love much, often, frequently & like there is no tomorrow, dance like no one is watching you, play like your still 7 & whatever you do, always keep the rubber side down & the shiney side up.