I had to say something. It was time.

I have been off the blog for nearly what, a week now? Sorry about that I have been helping someone very close to my heart deal with a situation that is larger than life, for them. I do help people I care about & who have proved to me that the trust I have in our friendship is real & solid.

But that's got nothing to do with the title & reason for today's blog entry.

When we are young we hear about how the grandparents health is failing, as we age, leave home & make our own lives we hear about our buddies & friends health troubles. Then one day it happens, we hear about our parents health issues & begin to cherish every moment we get with them. If you have never liked your parents, change that right now today. Contrary to popular belief, parents do NOT live forever.

You take their news & health issues & put it on the pile or in the box with everyone else's, including your own. Even more time passes & you have had the different doctors & specialists tell you different things about your own health, but choose not to tell anyone who doesn't need know or who's life it would only make worse or add stress to.

This past Monday I was an immediate family gathering. Hubby couldn't make it because it was last minute & had other plans in the works that could not be changed, 1 niece was unwell, so it was very small indeed. It was also very good.

Over the course of the days since then, I have had a chance to talk with my parents, over email mostly & not at all the way I wanted to do it. I told them repeatedly that I "understand what the doctor is telling you. Go fishing, or something fun."

It suddenly dawned on me that I had never told them why I had been so very understanding on these things since my mid 30's. When suddenly a conversation I heard a few years before came back to my mind. "If you don't tell people what you & what's going on they can't help you. Can they?" I was asked, rather rhetorically I thought at the time. "I guess not, eh." Was all I said. Then last night via a series of emails with my parents I explained for the first time in  way too long, how it was possible for their 50 year old daughter to understand all these things they were going through.

I told them, "well, you remember a few years back I told you I was a survivor too?" Mom, "Yep" Dad nodded silently. (it's normal for him to do that when he is listening.) "There is something though that you need to know. I don't think the timing is right, but I feel like I don't have a choice anymore, I have to tell you o you understand why I do what I do."

Email comes back from mom basically saying, "okay we're listening." As many of you may or may not know, I have been passenger in over 20 car accidents. I had 2 when I was driving. It took me 10 years to feel good enough about my driving to redo my written & road test. No it wasn't a court thing, just a personal choice. Driving is a privilege, not a write of passage. I had to remember that & teach myself not to forget that.

SO needless to say I have multiple whiplash injuries, I have mild scoliosis in my back along with degenerative disk disease, fibromyalgia, chronic depression, deficiency of both vitamin B12 & D. I need to take 50,000 units of Vitamin D every week & go for a shot once every 3 months with the B12. So far nothing to shocking right. If your hard on your body, your body will repay you when you get older, trust me. lol

Then somewhere along the line we started to talk about stress levels & how stress can kill people &how abusive people add stress to people who aren't suppose to have any, yada yada yada. Then it hit me. They had no idea why I left so fast the day after thanksgiving. They had no clue why I kept going for walks throughout the night. I had to tell them, it was time.

When I was somewhere between the ages of 35 &37 the doctor told me on no uncertain terms, "Marianne you MUST get rid of 100% of your stress or it will kill. at the very least it will put you under my scalpel & I don't want to do a double, possibly triple by-pass on you at this age, or any age. Please find a way to let the stress go, you're life depends on it." It took a long while for them to reply to that email. I know they were not prepared for it. I had to let them know that I couldn't handle stress anymore either.

These days I do my best to deal with stress by crawling into fantasy games where I get to build things & help other people. It makes me feel good just to do something for someone I may never meet other than on a game. I draw, I paint, not well but I try LOL. I like to sew, I like to go for walks. I like cuddling my cats. Listening to them purr is one of the most relaxing sounds ever. Well, next to the few times I have fallen asleep hearing, what sounds to me like, angels singing.  Now that hasn't happened in a very long time, but I'll tell you this, It is one of the most amazing sounds I have ever heard. No I am not going to discuss my faith/religious views with yo. That's not my point in this. The point is the level of stress I was starting to carry was getting into a "red zone" with me.  Even Art started to wonder if he was going to have to take me into the hospital.

Oh I'm sure he will have to one day, but we'll deal with that if & when it happens. I don't need to borrow anymore trouble from tomorrow, next week is already trying to do that for me. Thanks but, no thanks LOL
I have had a really faint heart murmur for more than 20 years now & haven't felt the need to tell anyone. So why now? Heck of a good question if you ask me. I'm still not sure. All I can tell you is that it needed to be done now.

You know, if you ever took a look at me & watched some of the stuff I do around here, you'd think to yourself, "there is nothing wrong with this woman, what are people making such a fuss about??" well, I am "very very" careful how I do what I do. I know that if I let go of even a small tree branch the wrong way & it lands on my foot just right I can & do have a nice tender spot on my right foot. He can't do everything himself you know. What's the point in having a help mate if they can't help you sometimes?

I hate the word "disabled" & yet that is exactly what the label is the doctors have given me. They say, "Marianne, you're disable because..... you can't sit too long or you seize up, you can't stand to long or your back, hips & arches hurt from the strain & the pressure on your disks. You need new stronger glasses because your sight is going, you really shouldn't be driving with those glasses on, the glare is blinding you. you can't squat to pick something up off the bottom rack in the fridge because your hips lock & so does your back & then you can't move. Therefore you cannot hold an office job." I hear that for too long & start to think, "you know I was brought up where everything you are telling me goes against me at the core of my being. I do not want to be a drain on anyone & using up resources that clearly belong to that guy over there. while pointing in the "general direction" of a man in a wheelchair with a feeding tube. That's disabled! I can't be disabled! It's impossible. I have to still have use!! What do you mean I can't work?? I have worked my whole life, I don't know anything else. I have to "earn my keep" & you are telling me I am disabled?? I can't handle that thought one bit.

So here's what I have to face in challenges next; re-apply for CPP Disability, re-apply for MB Disability Assistance & pray that I will actually get some money coming in soon. Art is close to his Unemployment benefits running out, soo yeah. You get the picture. Winter is nearly upon us here in Canada. We've already started lighting the "small fires" in the fireplace to heat the house.  On the up side, we are starting to be able to pick up "some" of my meds a bit more regularly. Even at $128/ month, it's just too expensive sometimes to get them all.

I was going to do a video entry this time, but felt this might help me keep my thoughts together better. I have about 4 videos that need to be edited & put together into something worth looking at & is understandable. LOL

Keeping all this inside is bad stress. I had to say something.

Marianne, signing off.
Till we chat again remember to stress less, love much, often, frequently & like there is no tomorrow, dance like no one is watching you, play like your still 7 & whatever you do, always keep the rubber side down & the shiney side up.

Today

These are my first 2 video entries ever. Enjoy.

Why Not

I decided to make this blog so that I can give my take on things out here in the land of The Inverted Cow. 

First let me start by saying, it has taken me almost 4 months to do this. 

I am hoping to learn how to enter video blogs, since my memory seems to be incredibly short lately a video blog would be less painful that writing it, loosing it, forgetting it & trying to re-write it all again. LOL

My husband is a professional smartass (which by the way is just one of the many things I LOVE about him.) and he uses it frequently to help deflect insults, pain, times when he doesn't have a great answer to give or when he finds things funny. 

Earlier this year some jar-head couldn't get that simple fact through their thick SKULL & decided to take him seriously. Honestly people if my husband ever gets serious with you, RUN! As long as he is joking around, being a smart ass & doing things that make him happy, he's in a real good head space.

Now this same person decided to take a joke & get serious about it & file charges against Art & take him to court. GOOD GRIEF! Apparently even the local RCMP were laughing about it. 

Anyway, by the time all was said & done, Art is not allowed to do the 1 job he absolutely loves, adores & would give his life to protect. What job is that? He is a school bus driver at heart. He would give his life for any of the kids on the school bus he drives, no matter what route it might be. Personally, I find it highly offensive that anyone would think that Art would ever do anything to harm any child.! 

We don't have any kids, well, our own anyway LOL Young Master McCosh has decided to adopt us & we really don't mind. He's a good kid who at the tender early teen years lost his father to alcoholism. He's a very mature, yet youthful man for his age. In many ways he reminds me of Art LOL.

Now about the real me that most of you will never see. I use to be a real easy going, happy-go-lucky kind of person. the past year or so has really made me hard. I mean life can do that to anybody, but this past year has been exceptionally hard on me. 

I have never had a very easy time making friends. I actually only have 1 childhood friend left & in my eyes that make her very special indeed. I have known Shelley since elementary school but really got to know her during jr. high. I have some of the fondest memories of her. We haven't gotten together lately & that is my fault. I need to get my sorry arse down to her end of the province specifically for a visit. Come to think of it, I better do that before the snow flies, eh Shelley?

Some people don't like me much & that just doesn't matter to me anymore, I am done trying to please people..."you can please some of the people some of the time, but you cant please all of the people all of the time." (Quote suddenly popped into my head. Author unknown. But quote is true nonetheless). You see for almost 2 years I tried to please someone & then I found that my efforts were all wasted & in vain. A month,, maybe 2 later I found out that there were other insults & slanderous things being said about me, behind my back. It was at that point my F____ YOU line got crossed big time. I tried one last time to talk to 1 of the people involved & all I got were more insults. That was it!! I am done being nice. Now if you insult me, you don't need to be in my life or even talk to me. I really don't need the stress, aggravation or heartache. No one deserves to be treated like that. I blocked them on Facebook & have cut them out of my life. 

Having said that, I give a lot of chances to people, more than some deserve, before I get to this point. You really have to push me before I blow but once I blow...lets just say it really bad & real messy. The likelihood of you being able to get back in after that are slim to none.

I know I have a temper & that it's pretty bad. Knowing that also means that I work around the clock to keep in in check. Why do you think a girl who like the luxuries of the city lives out in the bush? I'm one of those really quiet people that as long as I am still talking & making noise everything is still under control. Friends of mine, like Tracy for example, will tell you that if I get really quiet, get all prettied up & am smiling that you might want to hide someplace where I can't find you because my temper has just gotten to the boiling point & I am likely ready to blow by that point.  It's funny really because when I post that on Facebook all Tracy seems to have to say is, "OH SHIT!!" She's seen me stoned, she's seen me drunk, she's even seen me sober. Tracy has seen me play & work & has also seen me with broken a broken heart & an attitude, heart & action of compassion. 

There are very very few people in my life I call friend. Carolynn for example is another friend of mine. She's a doll & I absolutely love her to bits! I think she knows that though. I don't make that part of my friendships evident to all my friends & for that I'm sorry ladies. 

Carolynn taught me a very important thing back in the early 1990's & she doesn't even know it. She taught me that it's really ok to be me. Carolynn met me at a time in my life when I was living out a childhood dream. Yep, that's right, I actually lived out 1 dream of mine & it only took 3 years to finish it. :D  Some of my best times were experienced at Bethany. Met many many wonderful people that have touched my life for the better. I learned more during those 3 years than I have to date.

Carolynn has this huge, actually humongous heart filled with more love then most people you will meet. She's fabulous with kids. She's one of the most faithful & faith-filled women I have ever met & had the joy of getting to know. My heart breaks though when I realize that this very special lady is still not married. Maybe it's not where her life & faith is leading her though. That is not my call to make.

It's getting late here & although I have spent most of the day in bed with a stomach flu, I really should try and get to some sleep yet.

Life is shot so please don't let the jerks in life win. Live well, Love much & deeply, Laugh every chance you get & can make because you are never guaranteed your next breath. 

=:)

MJ

Mrs. InvertedCow

This is about how I see things based on the blog http://theinvertedcow.blogspot.com

My take on life here & why I made this blog.